My Year Project

It's nearing the end of the 4th month of 2010, This year's flying right by with good times, bad times and fun projects ahead. At the beginning of this year I started up a few little projects, mainly keeping track of things, documenting things i encounter in a more in depth way or just better myself, life, health and friends. Some I've cast aside for another year, some I've let lag but still keep track and one, one I stick to like glue. I started to keep track of the records I've bought this year, and let me tell you! This list is already beefy and we haven't even hit the half year mark. I'm needing to invest in more room for my vinyl, my "book shelf" is getting full. I also recently tackled the task of alphabetizing my 7" collection, I guess I got really bored and thought it would be a good idea, which it was, but now I come off like a dick when I tell people to remember where they pulled the record out, I need to work on my lps and get some tags to help keep them in order. I'm keeping an eye out for a large record stand, just like the ones in record stores. I'm sure I could fill one of those with my records. It would give me more room on my book shelf for my VHS collection, DVDs and books, and it would make looking through my vinyl a lot easier. A boy can only dream.

I long for you...

I often catch the faint smell you left in my bed when I'm half awake rolling over. Reach out my arm only to realize your not really laying next to me. I feel no warmth, no body, no you on the other side. Someday it will really be you on that other side.

They way you used to look at me

I want some peace of mind. I seemed to have lost it... when you lost your interest in me.

Mind is elsewhere. Pulled a muscle in my left inner thigh, yet I continue to skate hard on it. I know I need rest, bad! but wont let it be. I talked to my brother today, he says my dad wants to see me, and I should try and make it out to Seattle. I want to, but it's not easy for me to take time off, no one to cover shifts at work, I'll be losing out on money for rent and bills. But I guess him and his new family are doing really well and just throw money away. He spoiled my brother and sister on their stay with him for the holidays. My brother is trying to get me to make my dad pay my bills and shit, Says it's for all the time he was gone. I just laughed, I never thought of myself as a proud person but that made me laugh hard. Call it male hierarchy bullshit but I wouldn't feel like a man having my dad pay my rent to help cope for the years he spent ignoring us through out my childhood. He tried apologizing and saying he tried to see us, talk to us, send us things and all but my grandma and mom wouldn't allow him, tell us he called, or deliver his letters. I'm sure both are to blame but still, he could have tried a lot harder, had extended family parlay some sort of message or communication. I don't hold a grudge twords him anymore, I have forgiven him knowing now why he left my mom, and us. As a kid I didn't know or understand, I though I did something for the longest time, I was so scared I made him leave, made him stop loving my siblings and stuff. I went through a sever stage of depression in my childhood due to this, and I hated myself and my father for it, why didn't he want us anymore, what could I have done that was so bad he wanted nothing to do with me. Then one day he came back, out of the blue. I wanted nothing to do with him, fought and cried and argued with my other about it, she literally had to carry me over to him, told me that I needed to talk to him. It started off with meeting his new family, new wife(girlfriend, my mother and him are still married) His wife's kid, my new step brother and my half sister. Then I layed it all on him, What did I do to make you leave? Why don't you love me anymore? The look on his face shocked me, he was baffled I had felt that way, and assured me it was nothing I did, and that he did in fact still loved me. Things with him and my mother took a a wrong turn, They were both addicted to speed along with other drugs and the relationship was turning violent, I was to young to see it when he left, but certain memories stuck with me like scars. My mother sending a cinder block through his car windshield is one, the constant fighting, yelling, confrontations, crying, breaking things and slamming door were a daily thing. He told me he had to get out of there before one of them ended up in jail or dead, and as hard as it was to leave us behind it had to be done. Being about 14 at this time my eyes were open and my mind more keen, I know it but didn't want to believe it, who wants to think of their parents like that, a family or drug addicts and three bastard kids who happened to make it out by the seat of their pants. I've witnessed things no child should see, be exposed to things most adults haven't seen or witnessed. What kid can say they say 4 male cops beat their mother almost to death in the door way of you home or was constantly woken up by cops, guns drawn and dragged out of bed and handcuffed on a regular basis. This was just my life and I figured it was a normal thing.I know some kid have had a harder childhood, dealt with far worse things and haven't been as fortunate as my brother, sister and myself and that's what keeps me grounded, focused and on path. I need to prove to myself I'm not like what people said I'd be or turn out to be. I don't have to best relationship with my parents, I've become pretty distant to them both. It's hard to be around my mother, I feel as if I let her down but not helping to get her away from drugs, I feel weak and feel as if I abandoned her when she needed me the most. it's not the case but it's something that always lingers in my head. I love my mother to death, we've been through thick and thin together, she's always been there through out my hardest times, always there when I woke up in a hospital bed, right by my side throughout my many surgeries, right there quick to defend me when a teacher or officer of the law hassled me and tried to make me feel inferior for growing up in my neighborhood with a single mother, addicted to drugs. She was strong for me when she couldn't be strong for herself. And for all that I'm eternally grateful, and proud to have her as my mother, I know she tried her best, and provided for us the best she could. As for my father, I just don't know him, he's not the man I remember as a little boy, he's just a man I am still getting to know. These event's in my life have made and molded me into who I am. The have opened my eyes, toughened my skin and made me the man I needed to be to survive, It's crazy to say but I wouldn't have picked my childhood to be any different.

Hoarder

i've got copies of everything
every pressing every color
even the penis-shaped picture disc
so i'm not the only dick
put that down!
don't get fingerprints on the cover
every record is my lover
every rarity i've pursued
is fondled nightly when i'm nude
i'm a whore for vinyl
need more
still need the limited metal box
and the LP hole is small enough for my cock
my possessions, owning these goods
makes up for my lack of manhood